Friday, April 15, 2016

Walking Away.

I recently decided to distance myself from a person I considered a good friend. I don't know if I ever felt like we were sisters, though that's how she felt. I remember her calling me "sis" and even though I didn't like it, I allowed it to happen. And eventually, over time, I realized that was the makeup of our relationship. She would do things that irked me, and instead of speaking up, I would allow it for her. Honestly, I feel I would do it out of pity for her. She's a heavy woman, with many dreams, but plenty of people and emotional setbacks that kept her from moving in the right direction more than once.

I'm not sure why I was satisfied with the connection at first, I think it revolved around the ability to complain. I did not meet her in the normal fashion. We were not friends from a class, we were not roommates, or college students together, instead I met her in a random way, and I believed it was God's intention. Even now, I feel it was, and breaking away from her seems more...difficult. It feels like the right decision and yet one part of me keeps thinking, "maybe she doesn't deserve such a cold abandonment" like I should give her a reason for why I'm doing it. I've created a few emails explaining why I am leaving, the first was harsh and the others have been a little more sensitive. I still haven't sent any of them because I'm just giving myself time, and she's already aware that I feel our relationship is different now, based on what we allow in our lives.

I actually feel a level of fear that I have succumb to my prejudice against heavy people (over 400 lbs) and that could be a reason I am pushing her out of my life. I remember seeing her at a store, after not being around her for months, and I couldn't believe how large she was. She can barely fit into my vehicle, she can barely walk sometimes. She sits and I wonder how she'll get up, she breathes very heavy sometimes, and the only thing in my mind is, "How could this happen?" In the past I didn't feel that way at all. In the past I was not concerned with her weight, her looks, only her personality, and at that time I feel I was the most Christian with my thoughts and views of her. Now I feel quite judgmental, and I don't see her as a positive, I see her as a negative. Someone that has the ability to create an ultimatum in her marriage, but just keeps going because, "she loves him". Someone that wants to become a professional but is not willing to retake classes with low grades because she believes that God will help her get into the program she needs. Someone that seems to forget that her weight is a huge factor in her overall health (mentally and physically) and seems more intent on hanging out with people than a lifestyle change. Someone who is not bad, however not actually in a healthy state of mind. Someone I have tried to convince time and again to distance herself from others just to get her mind right, and yet to no avail.

Only time will tell the real reason I am walking away. After I have the baby and my hormones level out, I may feel differently about this whole situation. And then again, I simply may not. There are so many reasons that people are in and out of each others lives. And with that realization, that some people simply must go, we must move on and learn more and more about the person we were created to be.

Lord, please help me to begin planning toward my dreams, now that I have finally been introduced to jobs that really take advantage of my personality. Please help me to understand what I can do now, and what I will need to wait to do, as a courtesy to my husband and children. Please help us to continue to save for our dream home, and continue to open doors so that we can slowly make the right choice. Thank you for helping me value myself, not in a selfish way, but in a way that allows me to draw the line and defend how I should be treated. Amen.      

Sunday, February 7, 2016

I Feel Different.

I was going to write a post on Facebook about how I feel, but really with so many friends that's not always the place to put my thoughts. I used to in the past, but I deleted many of my entries so that I could try to be more positive and focused on what I am grateful for. With a little bit of complaining on the side.

I just finished watching The Imitation Game, and I've never felt as empathetic and warm toward people that pursue the homosexual lifestyle as I do right now. I usually feel angry, sad, and confused as to why people choose to pursue that lifestyle. However, now I feel like a lot of judgment that I reserved for them has slipped away from me. I still believe that almost every person involved in the homosexual lifestyle has a strained relationship with one or both parents, and grows into that sinful desire. In addition I believe that the desire can be reversed if it is viewed as sinful behavior according to Biblical teaching. Finally, I believe that people have the right to continue to pursue a homosexual lifestyle for as long as they live, whatever their personal beliefs, because people have been given free will.  

For some, I may seem unchanged because I am not waving a flag around that supports the homosexual community politically, or I'm not stopping by every gay friend to encourage them. I am different though. I'm different because I now have this piece of me that I feel God has finally touched. It's like Jesus has been waiting for ages to impact me, but I wouldn't open my heart until I saw this film!

How do I describe it? It's a feeling that sounds like a voice to me, and it is overflowing with love for the character of Professor Turing in the film. It is shouting that he has been created by God and that I may not approve of his desires, his relationships, or his attitude, but it has been uniquely given to him, and God loves him. I may be worried that someone like Professor Turing, a man that committed suicide, confessed he was homosexual, and seemed to have no interest in God, may end up separated from God in the end. But that is not my job here on Earth. My job isn't to deal out the lightning for God, it's to love people with the most genuine part of me. Just as God loves me even though I have been evil to myself, Him, and others in shameful ways. God really touched me, and said, this (the personal quiet time of people) is something you cannot see or fathom, this is why I love everyone the way I do. I can see them in these times and I am there with them, experiencing their feelings, so take your judgment somewhere else. Go far away, and leave that judgment behind, because it has no place before me. I will have the last say on every person, and you must simply mind yourself.

It was a loving message though. And it was deeper than that. He wasn't telling me to stop talking about Him. He isn't trying to stop me from spreading the Gospel, he's trying to stop me from pointing the finger! It's a feeling that could go on for pages. God is so much more than the pictures people make of Him, or the little idols they worship. He's so much deeper than the 30-day prayer books they publish. Or all the different versions of the Bible. He's not just words on a page, He's there beside us trying to reach us on a daily basis! For some He is silent and then one experience will bring to light how involved He's been each day. God is a personal experience and to me, it's obvious who has met him and who has not. And when I know someone doesn't know Him, God is asking me to not make them feel inferior or pitiful. He wants me to be genuine with them and just love them the best way I can. And that's something I can do.

As I get ready for bed I feel really grateful for this film. It is just an ordinary movie to many other people, but to me, it was a breakthrough that has lifted so many years of hatred, anger and confusion from my heart. I still have my personal beliefs about the path a homosexual person should take. I still believe that the behavior is sinful and that a person who desires a different life can have one through God. And now, I embrace God as the true judge and withdraw all of my evil desires to be God, when I am just me. Finally, I realize, I'm just me. Thank you God. Amen.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Feeling Time Go By.

When I look at the old posts that I've made on this blog I wonder how I didn't notice time going by. Then I really think about it, and sometimes life picks up, and sometimes, it's just down. Right now, I'm in a down time. I had to move out of my good apartment into a townhouse because the people above me had a lingering and powerful smell. Not trash, not something dirty, but something potent for sure, perhaps spices from India or incense? Maybe a mixture of both? Everyday, without fail I would smell it and sometimes I found I could not get any work done with that odor taking over. So, we moved and I feel pretty upset that I had to leave a really good setup to force my family into this tiny space. I can't even unpack my kitchen, there simply isn't enough space for all the items I have. I'm thinking that a storage unit may be the best idea for now. Even though my husband is strongly opposed, if I find employment I'm going to make it my business to pay for an indoor unit. I want the ability to move all the items that simply do not fit out of our townhouse so that we can at least have a place to sit and entertain. We could set up our living room and our dining room. No bookcases, no bar, no kitchen shelving, all of that will go to storage and we will be able to breathe better for it.

In fact, I think making sure all our boxes are in good shape and labeled will help us on our next move, which is coming because of the occupancy laws in Indiana. I'm making it my business to save enough money to hire someone to move us and for a deposit. I haven't gotten a job yet, but on Monday I will find out if I am hired or not. And if not, then I'm going to do some work at home while I think of another place to work. I'm being selective about where I place my applications these days. I don't want to pretend that my resume isn't full of gaps due to pregnancy and other circumstances. I just want to concentrate on work that will allow me to be flexible and that is enjoyable. I wish I could be an editor, however my grammar skills may be a step too low for professional editing. Perhaps I can do something about that while I sit around in my townhouse.

Though I have felt frustrated for the past several months with all the ideas and endeavors that I've tried I can never be fully irritated with my fate. I am able to stay home and protect and raise my children. I do not have to look for work, instead my husband can simply work overtime and produce a good amount of extra income. I am choosing to look for work to be responsible for the bills I've incurred and to help with our new desire to live in a house where we have more freedom to change the space. I am really blessed. I am very fortunate and happy. And one day, I'm sure at least one of my many big dreams will actually come true.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

New Baby. New Needs.

As many people already know we're now pregnant with our third child. This time we have a girl coming and we're not ready. We have no clothes, no crib, and little space. We need a house.

I was determined to rent for the rest of my life because houses mean big responsibilities and the liability that something terribly expensive could go wrong. After hours on the couch watching Fixer Upper and Flip or Flop, I have realized that owning a house isn't as scary as it always seemed. If you are willing to put in the energy to get a good contractor and people that can stay on schedule, you can purchase a home with blemishes, and fix it up properly! That means you can have the wiring looked at, you can have the plumbing and roof inspected by professionals that are trustworthy, and you can spend the extra money on making the home perfect for you! It really excites me to fix a home up. I always assumed that our budget would be too low, however once we work on our credit scores, we could get a loan for about $100K and purchase a home for about $50K, then use some of the extra to repair the home as we see fit. We don't have to get lavish, I'm actually not interested in a claw foot tub (already had one and I didn't like it). Besides, by fixing up a home I can finally use my Pinterest walls to their full extent and imprint my new home with all the personality I've always WANTED to give an apartment! I'm really excited, and very much dedicated to using the next 12 months to pay off as many credit cards as I possibly can, while saving at least $9K for a deposit. I better do the math so that I can prepare myself because I need a job. I can't get two jobs though, with the baby coming I'll be out of commission for about 6 weeks before I can return to work, and I'm planning to have weight loss surgery, which will probably mean another three days rest.

Ahh, weight loss surgery. Yes, a sleeve gastrectomy to be exact. The recovery period in the hospital is one day, which means I can return to work after that or take an additional day to rest. Two days off and then I'm finally on the path to dropping down to 150 lbs? That is amazing. I'm really excited for it, and I'm definitely going to do it, even though there is the risk of death. I expect that people who have already performed this operation have a high success rate, so I don't feel that worried. I'm not going to a foreign country to have some "secret" operation, so I feel confident it will all work out fine. And yes, I'm willing to die to lose weight. Very drastic, but I've been fat for twenty years, that's a long time. I feel that I am unable to maintain weight loss unless I go on a crazy diet, and I don't want to diet my whole life. I already have a sister that is into all that wheat grass, sparkling water, spin class, blah, blah, blah. She looks great and I'm so happy for her, but I'm not going to force myself to consume anything strange for the sake of health fads. Actually, I'm a professional at plateauing, so when I get to the weight I want, I believe I have the ability to stay there. I like almond milk, I drink water sometimes, I enjoy rice, ramen, and bread, but I'm also capable of giving those things up for long periods of time. In fact, I'll be testing that ability as I try to save for a deposit for a house. No eating out. A bi-weekly stipend for Matt and myself, cash only, and finally we will be locking our credit cards in our safe, with only one that can be used for emergencies. I am determined. I will have a house.

I wish I could start right now unfortunately we just moved and all our stuff is in a big mess down in our living room/dining area. Worst of all, the kitchen is so small, taking three steps means you're at the wall. I hate it. And that means I will be even more determined to quickly get out of that situation. All in all. I really can't be too upset. I have shelter. I have food. I get to do what I want every day. My children are healthy, and my husband is good to me and his babies. I am very happy in this situation and I will be even happier when we finally become home owners!  

Thursday, November 6, 2014

To Be or Not To Be.

I have approximately 30 days to study for the law school admissions test. Slowly my percentage of correct answers was rising, then I ran out of money for daycare and now I have slipped back into the oblivion of confusion. I'm working on a new strategy to help me regain my footing, but I fear that I am not cut out to be a lawyer. Even though I know that I will not be faced with any of the same challenges that the LSAT provides in law school, I still fear that this test will crush me. As I move closer to understanding I'm somehow on the edge of thinking too hard on the correct answer. I have two books that promise to assist me, but I find it similar to reading Chinese characters when I attempt to understand the provided clues and hints. I have created my own strategy, unfortunately it's time consuming, so I plan to work on perfecting my method and understanding all the question types. I find that the more I understand the logical reasoning, the easier the reading comprehension becomes. I have worked on the writing section for the first time yesterday, and my suspicions that it would be overly easy was correct, it's not meant to be a challenge, just a sample of your writing and thinking skills. The logic games on the other hand could cause me a lot of stress. I have a strategy now where I only put in the work for three of the games, and then do my best with the fourth and most challenging game, better to put energy into easy games and perhaps sweep them out of the way quickly. My ability to correctly chart the games is increasing, so that is exciting. I know that when the exam comes I will be ready, and scared, but still ready. I have come to the conclusion that as long a I know for sure that I am giving 100%, then none of the time I have dedicated to this has been wasted. In fact, I discovered that studying for this test has created a more focused and diligent student within me, and I am proud of that. Sometimes I picture receiving a high score and all the doors to the schools I have chosen fly open, and sometimes I picture that I have received an extremely low score, where all of my second guesses were the correct answer, and I basically missed every question because I overworked and stressed out about being wrong. When I picture the disappointing score, I picture my husband shrugging his shoulders and giving me that pitiful look, "I knew this wouldn't work out." I can't bear that kind of behavior from him, I plan to do well, but if I do not, then I fear it will be the end of my marriage. How can I respect someone that constantly fights the urge to look down on me? Constantly assuming that because I do not make the same decisions he does, that I am inferior, illogical, and inept. Perhaps you have never seen it, but in his gaze, I have seen his thoughts and it does not shake my foundation in Christ, but it does threaten to separate us.

To be successful is to see some of my hopes realized.
Not to be successful is to see an entirely new path, that perhaps I should walk alone.

3 weeks after December 6th, my path will show itself.

Monday, February 17, 2014

I Have Returned

Last night I decided to return to Facebook for however long I wanted. A few months ago I jumped onto Facebook for about ten minutes and deleted all of my notes. Every single one. Even though my notes were exciting, and perhaps inspiring to some people, I chose to delete them because I wanted my life to be a little more private. In fact, the entire reason I left Facebook was for more privacy. I felt people were "checking up on me" instead of actually communicating with me. So, for about a year and a few months I only spoke to several people through email, and it was nice hearing from them, and realizing how their lives have changed.

I reviewed my friends and I can see a few people are missing. I wonder if they decided to go off the grid as well? I think it's a great idea and that everyone should do it at least once, so they can re-evaluate how much time they put into Facebook and how much the responses mean to them. I'm definitely happy to hear from my Facebook friends, but I try to turn off my computer at least twice a day and just hang out with my son and my books. Or get some school work done. I should be reading the Bible more often, but for some reason I've been avoiding it. Perhaps that means something?

Whatever the case, now that I have returned to Facebook, I am considering removing an additional person here and there. I know of someone in particular that seems to only be my friend when it's convenient and that kind of behavior bothers me. Yet, Facebook isn't "deep" enough for me to be so offended that I have to remove that person. In the coming months I think I'll know what to do.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Nightmares.

Last night I had a really strange nightmare. The part that I remember the most was the fact that I was inside some kind of home and I found my son, sitting outside of the door near the steps. I rushed out and grabbed him and started yelling at everyone in the room. My cousin, who passed away, was there and somehow she was holding him, suddenly she was laughing all too hard about the danger my son was in. I grabbed him away from her and I declared that Jesus Christ was among us. Suddenly she fell down onto the couch and her face seemed to fold inward, like paper crumbling in a person's hand. I said again, "The Lord is here!" And my cousin spoke in a man's voice, "Yeah, but she doesn't know that." It struck me in a very frightening way, because my cousin died as a Buddhist. After that was said I seemed to have done something that pulled the demon from her body and somehow "tore" the bonds that it had on her, but a piece of me knew it was a dream. In fact I kept saying that it was a dream, and I kept trying to leave. Eventually I was able to wake up, but I didn't like that taunt. I am sure that something is enjoying that we were unsuccessful in speaking Christ into the life of our cousin before she passed. I also wonder if something is trying to scare me. Whatever is happening I am bent on following Christ and enduring whatever it is. I believe the Lord has only allowed them to invade my dreams, even there I am quick to call on him to save me. And he always comes. I don't believe I have what it takes to be an exorcist, or to truly dive into the occult to pull people free. I just hope that in whatever way I am capable that the Lord will use me.

I trust you Lord and I will not let this scare me or stop me from writing what I want to say. Amen.