Friday, April 15, 2016

Walking Away.

I recently decided to distance myself from a person I considered a good friend. I don't know if I ever felt like we were sisters, though that's how she felt. I remember her calling me "sis" and even though I didn't like it, I allowed it to happen. And eventually, over time, I realized that was the makeup of our relationship. She would do things that irked me, and instead of speaking up, I would allow it for her. Honestly, I feel I would do it out of pity for her. She's a heavy woman, with many dreams, but plenty of people and emotional setbacks that kept her from moving in the right direction more than once.

I'm not sure why I was satisfied with the connection at first, I think it revolved around the ability to complain. I did not meet her in the normal fashion. We were not friends from a class, we were not roommates, or college students together, instead I met her in a random way, and I believed it was God's intention. Even now, I feel it was, and breaking away from her seems more...difficult. It feels like the right decision and yet one part of me keeps thinking, "maybe she doesn't deserve such a cold abandonment" like I should give her a reason for why I'm doing it. I've created a few emails explaining why I am leaving, the first was harsh and the others have been a little more sensitive. I still haven't sent any of them because I'm just giving myself time, and she's already aware that I feel our relationship is different now, based on what we allow in our lives.

I actually feel a level of fear that I have succumb to my prejudice against heavy people (over 400 lbs) and that could be a reason I am pushing her out of my life. I remember seeing her at a store, after not being around her for months, and I couldn't believe how large she was. She can barely fit into my vehicle, she can barely walk sometimes. She sits and I wonder how she'll get up, she breathes very heavy sometimes, and the only thing in my mind is, "How could this happen?" In the past I didn't feel that way at all. In the past I was not concerned with her weight, her looks, only her personality, and at that time I feel I was the most Christian with my thoughts and views of her. Now I feel quite judgmental, and I don't see her as a positive, I see her as a negative. Someone that has the ability to create an ultimatum in her marriage, but just keeps going because, "she loves him". Someone that wants to become a professional but is not willing to retake classes with low grades because she believes that God will help her get into the program she needs. Someone that seems to forget that her weight is a huge factor in her overall health (mentally and physically) and seems more intent on hanging out with people than a lifestyle change. Someone who is not bad, however not actually in a healthy state of mind. Someone I have tried to convince time and again to distance herself from others just to get her mind right, and yet to no avail.

Only time will tell the real reason I am walking away. After I have the baby and my hormones level out, I may feel differently about this whole situation. And then again, I simply may not. There are so many reasons that people are in and out of each others lives. And with that realization, that some people simply must go, we must move on and learn more and more about the person we were created to be.

Lord, please help me to begin planning toward my dreams, now that I have finally been introduced to jobs that really take advantage of my personality. Please help me to understand what I can do now, and what I will need to wait to do, as a courtesy to my husband and children. Please help us to continue to save for our dream home, and continue to open doors so that we can slowly make the right choice. Thank you for helping me value myself, not in a selfish way, but in a way that allows me to draw the line and defend how I should be treated. Amen.